Dysfunctional Thoughts

Ask me anything   Christian, 94', College, Colossians: 3:23, Philipians 4:13, God, Running & Tea.

I don't make sense whatsoever, but I promise I'm not illiterate.

The happiest people don't worry whether life is fair or not, they just get on with it.

Sapppy Sad Songs

I hate listening to it, but I can’t help but sit and wonder sometimes. I know, I always seem like I don’t care, I’m heartless, etc. But, there’s a time where I had feelings too (or something like that). I honestly don’t like to talk about it. Not that I’m insecure to what people will think, but it gets so complicated in my head that when I explain it to someone — it doesn’t make sense. You an imagine illustrating it in a blog will cause so much frustration. However, I do want to say that I do miss having that sort of feeling towards a girl. But, I don’t think I deserve to have anyone. My inner demons just pushes people I love and care about it. Yes, I’ll admit that maybe I don’t want to fall in love — that it’s just some phase people go through. I could be wrong for all I know, but that’s how I feel right now. I can’t sit and wonder if there’s someone out there for me. I go on with my daily agenda and if I meet someone “interesting” I know that it usually doesn’t get anywhere. Maybe, I’m just bitter and complicated.

I am actually and it’s better that way.

There’s only 2 songs that will always hit home..

— 11 hours ago
Free mind

I think this is what I hate most about being free from all these responsibilities. I know that I can control my mind, but when I’m not doing anything, there are a couple things that just comes up and I can’t help but think and wonder why, how, what did even happen.

— 23 hours ago with 1 note

Today was very productive. I had my internship for Kines, then ran, then had dinner. I downloaded this app “Map my run”, I know I shouldn’t worry about how fast I run anymore, since I’m not really running for a team or anything, but I just feel like I need/want to stay in shape, because it’s been such a lifestyle. Tomorrow, I want to get up pretty early to run errands and I’m excited to go and hangout with some of my bros — considering that we’re having like a sleepover, it’s pretty nice. I mean, I haven’t feel like a kid in awhile now. I’m trying to live in the moment as much as I can. I try not to worry as much. The other day, I was worrying about some school and stuff and I was blessed enough to have everything go well. I’m thankful for God always being there.

Tonight, I plan on reading then core workout (since I didn’t get to do it), then shower, read again, then bed.

I do want to watch a movie….but what is there to watch anyways? I feel like I can’t watch a movie at home, because it’s such a waste of my time… Like I could do something else… like perhaps: read? run? or something? I don’t know, I know that I can be such a procrastinator. However, when I’m aware that I’m wasting time; I freak out.

— 1 week ago with 1 note
T.M.N.T (at Where The Wild Things Are)

T.M.N.T (at Where The Wild Things Are)

— 1 week ago with 1 note
Open Your Eyes

Do we think it’s fair that we did such thing?I don’t think so. I know I have my faults here, but as I seat there and watch you walk as if “nothing happened”. for a min I was upset. Then, I realized that I do the same thing. You can’t be mad for someone hiding the mess, when you, yourself does the same thing.

I know I don’t make sense, but internally it does. You know it’s wrong and you had the audacity to repeat it over and over. I know it’s my fault too, because I was there and didn’t say much until I realized that this has to stop. I hope it doesn’t happen again. We both look stupid.

— 1 week ago
Family Church Camp

I really wish we could stay longer. Three days isn’t suffice.. I really enjoyed being there. At first, I thought that I would just isolate myself from everyone because I had a lot of stuff to do, to turn and to take care off — typical Juluo. However, this year, it was very different. The first workshop we attended was about idolatry and as I sat there, my heart was getting heavy because this topic hits home. For the past few years, I had stopped depending on God and always been relying on myself — which isn’t bad. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with school and I’m thankful and blessed that God has given me the drive to love and enjoy school — however it’s not right that I’m putting school before everyone else. The past 3 or 4 years, I’m not going to lie, but I always have put school before anyone else. I use to have this mentality that “Knowledge is one thing that no one can take away from you”, but it should be “Faith & knowledge are the things that no one can take away”.

In addition, I got closer with some of the guys and I’m really thankful I was able to connect with them. I loved how there was no single at the camp site — that was the best part. I didn’t have to force myself to be alone because “I’m annoyed or bothered” rather, I wanted to hangout with everyone, I felt like a kid, it makes me happy. Now that we’re back to reality, I really pray to God that I can apply everything I learned to real life situation. I want to make time for God. I want to quit all these non-sense where school comes first. It’s not right. God, above all else.

— 1 week ago
"Always look at the good of people"

As I enjoy my last days with the kids, I try my best to constantly remind them that “Always look at the good of the people”. Yes, I know that’s hard to do.. Especially coming from me — who pin points flaws and hold against the world. However, this Summer Camp taught me that not everything is bad at it seems to be. When I first met the kids, I hated them already and called them “brats” before getting to know any of them. Turns out, they weren’t bad at all. My tolerance towards kids just got better and I was able to form  a relationship with these kids that none of the other adults can. I know that they’re intoxicated with what their friends, media and family feeds them, but I believe that they will go far in life if they choose the right path. I know I only have a couple days left and I’m trying my best to show that messing up is okay and what others think of you shouldn’t matter.

After giving the kids the pictures I printed for them, their faces were so touch and very happy. At the moment, I know that I did my job right. I want these kids to always remember this camp and all of the things I taught them.  Believe it or not, they’re the only non-school related I think about it. I just worry because despite of the atmosphere they’re in, I want them all to have a great future. One of the kids told me that, “Maybe I’ll open a shop because I don’t think I’ll ever good at anything”. That broke me inside, because no kid should ever have to think like this in such a young age. I told him that he can do and will be better than that because I believe in him. He smiled and said thank you. 

Towards the end of the day, I really wish I can help all these kids and watch them grow. There’s something about the youth that just fascinates me. I told the kids that" I’m sorry I yell and probably annoy you all, but this was the best part of summer. I enjoyed every hour, minute and second I spent with you guys. I don’t know if I’m coming back next year, but if I don’t just remember that what other people say about shouldn’t matter. You can do anything as long as you put your mind into it

I’m really going to miss these kids. I hope I made an impact in their lives.

— 2 weeks ago

PC: @ayyerussler


PC: @ayyerussler

— 3 weeks ago
July already?

Well, I certainly feel like June went by fast, yet slow. I felt like it was productive — activity wise. Yet, I am still not done with researching regarding college wise. I am freaking out, because all the other schools I want to apply requires Cal I, which I’m not taking and if I chose to I would have to stay at Chabot for another year, which I’m not trying to do. I’m praying to God that everything goes well for Berkeley. I end working at The Summer Youth Sports Program in 2 weeks and I know I should start looking for another job/internship. I have so much to do:

  • I have a research paper due in 2 weeks
  • I have to 2-3 chapters to read
  • I have to catch up on studying
  • College research
  • I have to run and work out

My problem is I always feel like I have to do everything right away and that’s bad because that’s due dates exist, but for me every sec, min, hour is due the date and if I fail to do something, I feel like I failed right away.

I just feel like I’m so behind because this week I saw a lot of people and I went out and I feel so guilty for doing so. I felt like I needed to be home and studying. Even if I’m feeling tired at home, I enjoy sitting down and reading/studying then going for a run afterwards.

Here’s the plan for the rest of the day after I blog:

  • Catch up on Business Law reading (at least 1 chapter)
  • Study/finish Hand Book Test.
  • Go Run (30 mins)
  • Bike for at least 10 or more miles
  • Do core
  • College research ( get in an hour at least)
  • Be in bed by 10:30, if possible.
— 3 weeks ago with 1 note
Have a little bit of hope

When it comes to essays, “Writers’ Block” never phase me until now. I tried starting my personal statement for UCB and I got nothing. I got some done with prompt #2. Prompt #1 was harder. They’re both hard. It’s quite difficult to sit here talking about myself over and over. I know that it’s June, but I feel like I’m already behind. What makes me unique? I can’t even think of anything. This just saddens me. Plus, I have a research paper due in 2 weeks I need to/should finish son… I’m pathetic. This is sad.

— 1 month ago with 1 note