Dysfunctional Thoughts

Ask me anything   Christian, 94', College, Colossians: 3:23, Philipians 4:13, God, Running & Tea.

I don't make sense whatsoever, but I promise I'm not illiterate.

The happiest people don't worry whether life is fair or not, they just get on with it.


Today was very productive. I had my internship for Kines, then ran, then had dinner. I downloaded this app “Map my run”, I know I shouldn’t worry about how fast I run anymore, since I’m not really running for a team or anything, but I just feel like I need/want to stay in shape, because it’s been such a lifestyle. Tomorrow, I want to get up pretty early to run errands and I’m excited to go and hangout with some of my bros — considering that we’re having like a sleepover, it’s pretty nice. I mean, I haven’t feel like a kid in awhile now. I’m trying to live in the moment as much as I can. I try not to worry as much. The other day, I was worrying about some school and stuff and I was blessed enough to have everything go well. I’m thankful for God always being there.

Tonight, I plan on reading then core workout (since I didn’t get to do it), then shower, read again, then bed.

I do want to watch a movie….but what is there to watch anyways? I feel like I can’t watch a movie at home, because it’s such a waste of my time… Like I could do something else… like perhaps: read? run? or something? I don’t know, I know that I can be such a procrastinator. However, when I’m aware that I’m wasting time; I freak out.

— 4 hours ago with 1 note
T.M.N.T (at Where The Wild Things Are)

T.M.N.T (at Where The Wild Things Are)

— 1 day ago with 1 note
Open Your Eyes

Do we think it’s fair that we did such thing?I don’t think so. I know I have my faults here, but as I seat there and watch you walk as if “nothing happened”. for a min I was upset. Then, I realized that I do the same thing. You can’t be mad for someone hiding the mess, when you, yourself does the same thing.

I know I don’t make sense, but internally it does. You know it’s wrong and you had the audacity to repeat it over and over. I know it’s my fault too, because I was there and didn’t say much until I realized that this has to stop. I hope it doesn’t happen again. We both look stupid.

— 1 day ago
Family Church Camp

I really wish we could stay longer. Three days isn’t suffice.. I really enjoyed being there. At first, I thought that I would just isolate myself from everyone because I had a lot of stuff to do, to turn and to take care off — typical Juluo. However, this year, it was very different. The first workshop we attended was about idolatry and as I sat there, my heart was getting heavy because this topic hits home. For the past few years, I had stopped depending on God and always been relying on myself — which isn’t bad. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with school and I’m thankful and blessed that God has given me the drive to love and enjoy school — however it’s not right that I’m putting school before everyone else. The past 3 or 4 years, I’m not going to lie, but I always have put school before anyone else. I use to have this mentality that “Knowledge is one thing that no one can take away from you”, but it should be “Faith & knowledge are the things that no one can take away”.

In addition, I got closer with some of the guys and I’m really thankful I was able to connect with them. I loved how there was no single at the camp site — that was the best part. I didn’t have to force myself to be alone because “I’m annoyed or bothered” rather, I wanted to hangout with everyone, I felt like a kid, it makes me happy. Now that we’re back to reality, I really pray to God that I can apply everything I learned to real life situation. I want to make time for God. I want to quit all these non-sense where school comes first. It’s not right. God, above all else.

— 1 day ago
"Always look at the good of people"

As I enjoy my last days with the kids, I try my best to constantly remind them that “Always look at the good of the people”. Yes, I know that’s hard to do.. Especially coming from me — who pin points flaws and hold against the world. However, this Summer Camp taught me that not everything is bad at it seems to be. When I first met the kids, I hated them already and called them “brats” before getting to know any of them. Turns out, they weren’t bad at all. My tolerance towards kids just got better and I was able to form  a relationship with these kids that none of the other adults can. I know that they’re intoxicated with what their friends, media and family feeds them, but I believe that they will go far in life if they choose the right path. I know I only have a couple days left and I’m trying my best to show that messing up is okay and what others think of you shouldn’t matter.

After giving the kids the pictures I printed for them, their faces were so touch and very happy. At the moment, I know that I did my job right. I want these kids to always remember this camp and all of the things I taught them.  Believe it or not, they’re the only non-school related I think about it. I just worry because despite of the atmosphere they’re in, I want them all to have a great future. One of the kids told me that, “Maybe I’ll open a shop because I don’t think I’ll ever good at anything”. That broke me inside, because no kid should ever have to think like this in such a young age. I told him that he can do and will be better than that because I believe in him. He smiled and said thank you. 

Towards the end of the day, I really wish I can help all these kids and watch them grow. There’s something about the youth that just fascinates me. I told the kids that" I’m sorry I yell and probably annoy you all, but this was the best part of summer. I enjoyed every hour, minute and second I spent with you guys. I don’t know if I’m coming back next year, but if I don’t just remember that what other people say about shouldn’t matter. You can do anything as long as you put your mind into it

I’m really going to miss these kids. I hope I made an impact in their lives.

— 1 week ago

PC: @ayyerussler


PC: @ayyerussler

— 1 week ago
July already?

Well, I certainly feel like June went by fast, yet slow. I felt like it was productive — activity wise. Yet, I am still not done with researching regarding college wise. I am freaking out, because all the other schools I want to apply requires Cal I, which I’m not taking and if I chose to I would have to stay at Chabot for another year, which I’m not trying to do. I’m praying to God that everything goes well for Berkeley. I end working at The Summer Youth Sports Program in 2 weeks and I know I should start looking for another job/internship. I have so much to do:

  • I have a research paper due in 2 weeks
  • I have to 2-3 chapters to read
  • I have to catch up on studying
  • College research
  • I have to run and work out

My problem is I always feel like I have to do everything right away and that’s bad because that’s due dates exist, but for me every sec, min, hour is due the date and if I fail to do something, I feel like I failed right away.

I just feel like I’m so behind because this week I saw a lot of people and I went out and I feel so guilty for doing so. I felt like I needed to be home and studying. Even if I’m feeling tired at home, I enjoy sitting down and reading/studying then going for a run afterwards.

Here’s the plan for the rest of the day after I blog:

  • Catch up on Business Law reading (at least 1 chapter)
  • Study/finish Hand Book Test.
  • Go Run (30 mins)
  • Bike for at least 10 or more miles
  • Do core
  • College research ( get in an hour at least)
  • Be in bed by 10:30, if possible.
— 2 weeks ago with 1 note
Have a little bit of hope

When it comes to essays, “Writers’ Block” never phase me until now. I tried starting my personal statement for UCB and I got nothing. I got some done with prompt #2. Prompt #1 was harder. They’re both hard. It’s quite difficult to sit here talking about myself over and over. I know that it’s June, but I feel like I’m already behind. What makes me unique? I can’t even think of anything. This just saddens me. Plus, I have a research paper due in 2 weeks I need to/should finish son… I’m pathetic. This is sad.

— 3 weeks ago with 1 note
Appreciation for the little ones

Working at The Summer Youth Sports Program is really an eye opener of how much this youth generation is changing — at least way different when I was 11/12. Even though, these kids are already intoxicated with things such as “drugs, sex, alcohol, etc” I still have hope that they’ll change as they grow up. Let’s face it, we all know that I am not the best role model, but I do believe that discipline is important growing up and I try to show them as much as I can. I know that I yell countless times and I punish them like there’s no tomorrow, but I have a soft spot for these kids. I know for a fact that I will for sure miss them. I’ll miss them not for being rowdy and fun, but rather for reminding me that I can be leader and set a positive lesson in their lives. It amazes that even though they are surrounded with such negative things at home, school, friends, etc, these kids are dreamers. I often ask them, “What do you wanna be when you grow up?” Their answers fascinates me — not for the huge imagination they have, but the fact that innocence of being a kid is still there. I love hearing their stories. I always tell them, "You can do anything as long as you put your mind into it. Don’t let any barrier get in your way".  

The other day, one of the kids told me that when he grows up, he wants to be just like me. Something so simple, sunk into my heart and broke me into pieces, because I feel like I’m doing something right. At first, I didn’t understand why he would, but when he explained made me just love my job 10x more. When this program is over, I’ll be really sad. I really hope that these kids take the right path and that they’ll be safe.

To my little dreamers,

I am more than blessed to have you all as my kids at this camp. At first, I did it for the money, but now I’m doing it for all of you in hopes that I can set a great example and put you in the right track. You all will succeed if you all work hard. Play hard & always be humble.

-One of the biggest dreamers you’ll meet.

— 3 weeks ago with 3 notes
Sleep is good

I personally love sleeping. Not just because it gives me energy or whatever, but it allows to just relax and pretend everything is okay. My mind is full of wonders, what if’s and shoulda, coulda, woulda. Let’s not add the disappointments, failures, etc, but they’re in there too. When I sleep, I can just dream about anything: whether it’s a really good or some nightmare, it’s soothing. When I wake up, I have to face so many things I wish I can do all at once. I even question myself, “like how am I alive right now? how come I haven’t gone crazy?” It’s pretty sad, but I’m hopeful that I’ll get through it. Just have to tackle one at a time I suppose.

— 4 weeks ago