Dysfunctional Thoughts

Ask me anything   Christian, 94', College, Colossians: 3:23, Philipians 4:13, God, Running & Tea.

I don't make sense whatsoever, but I promise I'm not illiterate.


The happiest people don't worry whether life is fair or not, they just get on with it.

Foreign

I’ve been numb for how many years now that I don’t even how to feel when I’m attracted to somebody. I guess, you can say that I am attracted to someone..It’s that it’s some jittery feeling and I genuinely smile thinking abut it. However, not to be cynical, but I know how these things work nowadays —  or at least the way I see it. You like me, I like you. We tell each other our interest, hobbies, get really happy spending time, then as time passes by, we both realize that we have different paths. Thus, we mutually end everything on a good note. Then, I reminisce of the good memories and think I’m stupid for ruining everything. Despite of it all, I like the feeling of it. It’s been awhile. If it doesn’t turn out to the way it should be, at least we tried.

— 3 days ago with 1 note
Maybe.
One day, I’ll walk in here and be a student.
#DreamSchool #HAAS

Maybe.

One day, I’ll walk in here and be a student.

#DreamSchool #HAAS

— 2 weeks ago
Fear within

Failure is what I fear most. I can’t go a day without dreaming of achieving my dreams and goals, yet my insecurity rumbles around my head like a lost child looking for its guardians. I know that you’re suppose be “optimist”  at all times and I really try my best because there’s no reason to always be down. I’m practically analyzing every little thing in my head. I don’t think it’s healthy, but I can’t stop it. I wonder about the “what if’s, How, Why, Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. Now I’m just rambling.

I wish I can fully express what’s really on my mind. There’s too many things going in there and I can’t even explain why.

— 2 weeks ago
Janglin

Since school has started, I’m more occupied than usual. They were a couple of things that brought me down a couple a days ago. For instance, I found out that I can’t apply to any colleges this fall because I have to finish my “math series” at Chabot. Which is fine, but I really wanted t apply already. Few days ago, I was really sad, because I feel a like a failure. I aim big and it’s somehow always crushed. Like this summer, I wanted to enlist to the Air Force, but turns out, I can’t because I wasn’t a citizen nor a green card holder. Now that I chose to focus on school, this happens. Plus, my family not really supporting school isn’t helping either. There’s only one that I can cling on, which is God. I get so discourage so many times, but I believe that he has plans and has a purpose for me. Whatever it may be, I’m pretty stoked for it.

I’m not going to lie, but for a while I blamed myself for not knowing what I really wanted to pursue. I finished my GE first because I wanted to explore and see what I wanted. Turns out, I really wanted to do what I started with — Business. At first, I was upset, because I know I would have gotten out right away if I knew Business was going to be the one. Though, I don’t regret taking some classes, because I was able to obtain so much information that I know that I can use sometime in the future and I also met some amazing people.

Problems are never bad as they seem. For me, I try to look at every situation in that way. Besides, I always believe that God won’t give us any problem that we can’t handle. That being said, I’m not going to sit here and weep because I have to stay to take Math classes at Chabot. Instead, I will try my best to do really well, boost my GPA, get active, network with other people, expand my connection, etc.

Next fall, if its God’s will, I will apply to schools and hopefully will be able to transfer.

I know I always aim big and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I know I also have to be realistic.

— 1 month ago with 1 note
Ongoing

I really miss running — like being able to run for an hour. A lot of people do wonder why I enjoy. But there’s something great about challenging the limitations of the human heart and I really love feeling the wind and seeing a beautiful scenery. It bums me out that I won’t be doing cross country this fall. Like I’ve been running for about 4-5 years now. I don’t even know how much mileage I have on my legs, but I’m still happy. I remember the first day I ran with runners, I was struggling so bad because they were ten times faster and I was trying to keep up. Then once I got the hang of it, I was pretty happy.

Running really helps me reduce stress and puts me in a better mood. I want it to rain, with no cold wind, so I can run like how my teammates and I use to in high school. Then we would have a mud fight after doing a distance run. I miss having Metcalf as a coach.. I miss being terrified to the work outs. I know this is just temporary for me to randomly miss everything, but it’s nice to look back. I loved my team. I feel like a kid talking about all of this, but hey whatever will make me feel younger is fine with me. As a 20 year old, I work like as if I’m 25, think like I’m 30, but still wishes I’m 17.

— 1 month ago with 2 notes
After 11 miles of hiking🌊

After 11 miles of hiking🌊

— 1 month ago
Wasted yet produtive

I totally thought today was a waste considering I woke up at 11, because I got home at 3 last night. I tried to be active during the day, but for some odd reason, my body refused. It’s fine, but I did enjoy the 10 hot green teas’ I had today. My meet up with Mike was definitely great. I’m glad that after 2 years of wanting to hangout one on one, we finally found the time to actually do it. I was telling him how I always felt like pushing all the Kuya’s before because I felt like I never needed their help. However, that’s not always the case. Then he told me about his life in the P.I when he went for the mission trip. I was in deep awe to see how much God has been working in his life.

It made me think about whether it’s God will for me to continue with school or not. Don’t get me wrong, I love school and I love learning. I’m not the smartest kid, but I love learning. I just don’t want it to be an idol and I just don’t want this to become an idol. I want to give God all the glory he deserves.

Speaking of, tonight, I was actually able to somewhat work on my prompt 2 of my personal statement. It’s a mess right now, but I’m so thankful that I’m able to put a lot of work into it. I’m blessed that God gave me the strength and knowledge to work on this — even though I was too lazy earlier.

Anywho, I should get ready for bed. I can’t believe I’m getting up at 6:45 to run with Bud. But what are friends are for? We’ve been friends since 7th grade. I don’t see why not. I know, I won’t see her until December once school starts.

Good MorNight

— 1 month ago
Priorities

I don’t know if I want to do speech and debate anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love public speaking and all, but I feel like it’s best if I focus on school this upcoming two semesters. I want to do really well. I want to make time for God as well and I don’t want to have too many priorities all at once. I want to focus on school and applying for colleges. No day pass that I don’t think about Berkeley. I know that sounds sad/pathetic, but I really want to work hard and get in to that school. I know that I can’t always put 100% in everything I do, because one will always be ahead of others. I want it to be God, school, and so on. It’s hard to try to do everything, now that I don’t have sports on my belt — it feels nice. However, I do fear of gaining weight and getting fat. I’m also looking for a job. I have to help my family — especially my mother. I can’t watch her work 3 jobs and hope that she’ll do everything. I still haven’t fully decide what my decision will be, but I am very cautious. I’m trying to pray about this decision as much as I can. I’m somewhat scared of the outcome. I have the tendency to think of “What if…” But in the end, I pray to God that what I path I chose, he’ll be there with me and may the glory all goes to Him alone. 

— 1 month ago with 1 note
Writers block

This is sad. I’m trying to start on the 2nd prompt of my personal statement.

PROMPT #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I honestly don’t know what to write about. I wrote one few weeks ago and it doesn’t make sense t me at all. I have to re-do it. I’m having a hard time, I don’t know what to say/write at all. I’m speechless. I’m trying to find in me what to write about it. Now I’m just rambling…I guess I’ll just write and write and see if something comes up…

— 1 month ago with 1 note
Unconditional Love

I love the Kuya’s and the Lynne’s. I’m thankful that we’re literally like a family. I’m glad and thankful that I am apart of this Youth group — even though, we’re all older now. I know that for the most part, I pushed myself away from them because I felt like I needed to focus on school and that they will just distract me. However, that’s not completely true. They actually support me and yes they can be such a big a distraction, but I need that distraction. Whether, we’re fighting, crying or laughing, I love these guys. I look up to all of them. I constantly repeat it, “yes, they can be such a pain and can be so annoying” but I love them. Literally, I’m so thankful to have them on my side during high school and still now. I know that I get mad when they get on my business  sometimes, but they’re doing the right thing by reminding me of what God wants.

I know, I can’t always reminisce to when I was 17 because that’s when I was close to everyone. However, they’re always nice to look back at. I cherish every moment I have with them, because who knows what happens. I can move, any of them can move. We’re all trying to pursue what we think God wants us to do. I’m slowly learning how to open up to them more. I don’t expect them to do the same, but I just want to learn how to trust and have that accountability.

It’s that ain’t no other type of love, Unconditional Love.

— 1 month ago